Right now, I've had a fucked up, stupidly crazy, bad day. I got pissed at the world, especially to everyone in the closest vicinity to me. I feel bad for part of what I said, but some of it... I meant every fucking word. Yes, I cuss, yes I do it often. Fuck you if you can't handle some adult language every now and then.
I don't mean to come off as a psycho, it just happens a lot of the time. People don't understand me, don't understand my mindset, my world outlook. I feel useless and dumb, and above all... Lonely a lot of the time. It's not because my wife and son don't make me happy, they do. Its something that I've dealt with since my early, early childhood. It might be a life long depression, but it feels somehow... Deeper than that. There are times that I swear that I was conceived in loneliness, and it passed onto me. But I'm sure as fuck not blaming my parents. Its the world around me that has helped shape me into who I am. And lots of bad choices on my end. Lots. I will be the first to admit to bad choices equal a bad time, but sometimes bad choices lead to good things.
I think mostly at this point in my life, I don't know what the fuck I need or want to be as close to happy as I can be. I have a nice TV, a good family, and I'm not dead. My life goes spiraling out of control and I can't retain what was pushing me onwards to succeed or even gets me up in the morning. I just have that way. Something goes wrong, either in reality or in my head and I just quit. I stop working on shit, stop dreaming, stop enjoying things. This is one of the sickest things about being me. I will hate and give up at the drop of a hat, in a blink of an eye. I hate everything and nothing, all at the same time. Does that even make sense? It does to me. It makes the cycle of loneliness start over and over again. I want it to stop, but don't know how to make it. So I live with it.
I... I just wish I had people that I knew without a doubt will never leave me, never wall me off. Ever. Everyone I have ever loved has left me in some way, some for awhile, some... Forever. You cannot bring the dead back to life...
I try though. That's what makes me different from a lot of people that I know, live with, or reside next to. I'm in a shit hole of a town, the heart of Amish country in Ohio... And I hate it. It's one of the most bigoted, ignorant, backwater hellholes north of the Mason-Dixon Line. Fuck me, it's like the advancements of the 90's never occurred, and we're all living in this dreamy, there are no blacks, Hispanic, or Asian people in the world, much less county. I have seen Amish people, normal people, and even tourists back away from the few blacks that visit or live here when in stores, restaurants, and other public places. WHAT THE FUCK?
Either way, my now daily headache is getting worse, and I'm wanting to check out a few other sites before I take a nap.
You dont have to apologize. maybe puting it out there helps dealing with problems a bit.
ReplyDeleteIt does, and to be honest, it's better than some therapists I've been to over the years.
ReplyDelete